There is a children’s book, entitled Are You My Mother?, in which a baby bird is born while his mother has gone to get some food for his arrival. Because she is not there when he emerges, he goes in search of her, asking the title question of the animals and machines he encounters. Along the way, he discovers none of them are his mother, a fact confirmed when he is reunited with her at the tale’s end. In this story, none of those who the bird questions are his mother. In our lives, though we come from our “birth mother” (some who stay present in our lives, some who don’t…), we all have the potential of being mothered by many people.

Not every woman gives birth to a child, but every woman, at some point in her life, has done some mothering – whether caring for a youth, an aging parent, friends, colleague, a pet, or even forming a business, idea or movement.

I lost my mother to the ravages of Alzheimer’s when she hadn’t even reached her sixth decade and I was just about to enter my third. That immense loss fueled my search for positive role models, women who were examples of growing older in Ageless ways, as well as women who could offer the wisdom and nurturing inherent in the role of mothering another.

It was the community of the feminist movement that transformed my life. From and with these women, I learned who I was at my core, was encouraged to break through my perceived limitations, and began to envision my aspirational future. I found my voice as a woman and became part of a network that crossed generations. We all learned from those who mothered us so we could connect with, usher in, and empower, the next generation who, in turn, now offer insights and new ways of nurturing based on their own experiences. Each generation of those who mother others literally and figuratively births the next generation.

We mother at different ages, though the experience and wisdom that comes with growing older enhances what we can offer. Even consider the word grandmother, which references a parent’s parent or an elderly woman in a community. How wonderfully atypical – a welcome change from the usual ageist language – that the word GRAND indicates largess, having more importance, a recognition of our capabilities as we age. And let’s not forget the oldest mother of all: Mother Nature/Earth, who offers the land we live upon, whose air we breathe and whose food offers us comfort and survival.

I used to scoff at the contrived aspects of Mother’s Day until I became a grandmother and saw it as a time to honor my maternal lineage. Now, years later, I continue decades-long work on expanding how I mother by focusing on transforming our culture’s approach to growing older. This Mother’s Day, in honor of past lineage and future generations, I invite you to join me in birthing a new story about aging, a way for every one of us to mother ourselves and each other in order to reach our full potential and ensure lives of deep significance, purpose, and contentment.

 What experiences have you had that exemplify what it is to “mother” another?

Here’s one secret which I have learned over decades of exploring and adventuring toward success and fulfillment: “Having it all” (whatever “it” means to you, individually) can ONLY happen when you build community.

Though online connections have become commonplace, I still maintain that there is no substitute for in-person connection. There are many different types of communities where you can find (or create) such resources and support, including: a friend or group of friends/family; a professional or religious affiliation; a conference, class or workshop; your neighborhood or community center; a book group, etc.

What happens when you no longer have the burden of going it totally alone? You may experience an improvement in health and overall well-being, less stress, greater meaning, more ease, energy, manageability and pleasure in life. As an added result, you touch others’ lives and the positive effects get reflected into the world.

What is a good way to begin forming, or adding to, the interpersonal foundations which will ensure your desired future? Networking. And here’s another secret. Networking does not have to be nerve-racking, groan-inducing, or boring. In fact, it can be quite the opposite. Networking is not just about selling, the idea of which makes many people cringe. It is more about meeting others who are open to sharing passion and ideas and can respond with meaningful perspectives, support and wisdom. It is about expanding your genuine connections and enhancing, rather than detracting from, your confidence and achievements.

Networking is simply about meeting others so you can move forward with the support of your chosen community(ies). This will not only be more beneficial to you with your desired accomplishments, but it also makes life a lot more fun. Instead of being a stressful chore, when you connect with others who can assist you with your specific needs, you build your life’s tapestry in a way that is not only innovative and enjoyable, but something you will look forward to and want to keep creating (as well as fostering it in others).

It simply requires one person taking action to begin making that difference. And as with a pebble tossed in a pond, the ripples keep moving ever outward. I have seen real examples of community collaboration happening time and again, and have been both host and beneficiary of such connections.

~ Friends got together for a New Year’s dinner where conversation led to sharing and writing down goals for the coming year. Upon reflection a year later, the participants marveled at how many of those goals had been accomplished with each other’s encouragement. Out of this gathering came the creation of an annual public event so that other women in the region could also improve their lives with group support.

~ One person at a networking event shared information about a non-profit working to end child sex trafficking. A magazine publisher in attendance felt moved by the conversation and printed an article about the agency, which, in turn, inspired a group of readers to create a volunteer group to support the organization.

~ I was able to find the courage to embark on an encore career because I had a supportive community of family and friends.

All of us have something of value to offer, which, when shared, can result in a better life for ourselves, each other, and the world.

You, too, can begin creating, building on or joining a community right now to exchange ideas, companionship and encouragement. Having a sense of community simultaneously enables you to stay grounded while also being able to soar.

 What is your idea of community? Do you have suggestions for others to build theirs?

Anne Garland,“The Pollinator,” is known for inspiring events enabling women over forty to share support, ideas and connection. Garland is managing director of the Greater Hartford and Shoreline chapter of eWomenNetwork, whose aim is to assist women with finding ways to turn networking interactions into new clients while connecting with other professionals to enhance business success. Opportunities include in-person meetings, events and a 24/7 online community of professional women. Garland is also founder and creative director of Anne Garland Enterprises, based in Connecticut. Contact: 860-575-4970, AnneG@AnneGarlandEnterprises.com and ewomennetwork.com/chapter/Hartford, AnneGarland@eWomenNetwork.com.

These historic first few weeks of July reminds us of just how much we have been through together, as a nation and as individuals, from the civil rights movement we honor because of Martin Luther King, Jr., to women’s rights, so much of which is embodied in Roe vs. Wade, the landmark Supreme Court decision made over 40 years ago. To this month where that same court passed legislation that allows same sex couples to get married in all 50 states and where we in the US celebrate our freedom that so many fought so hard to accomplish.

Only that isn’t what the voice of our society is focusing on. The problem is that instead of seeing what has been accomplished, in our present as well as our past we are quick to be offended. We are listening to respond. Instead of listening to learn.

These are words that I hope everyone can take to heart, not only in terms of where we are headed as a nation, but in terms of where we are headed as individuals, generations, personally and professionally. Now is the time to act on that big vision you have inside you, to act knowing it will be imperfect, to act on something so big that it simply can’t be carried out entirely in a lifetime or two lifetimes or ten. Nor alone on your own!

Millennials, early and late Boomers, and Matures—are becoming more vocal about putting aside the generational stereotypes and looking at the common ground.

The question then becomes not whether these generations will work well together but how, and what changes we are likely to see in the future of society and government as a result of the changing, more age-diverse face of tomorrow’s leaders.

The Age of Greatness won’t be ushered in by nations or corporations or even non-profit organizations. It will be ushered in by individuals, like you and me, acting on what moves us and discovering that the more of us who do so, the more we will resonate with each other across all generations. Collectively, what moves us will create a movement that changes the world, rippling out into the next 4, 40, 400 years  . . . and beyond.

 With those words in mind what have you contributed to the voice of society this week? Are you proud of what you’ve said or done? How would you change it?

Karen Sands, MCC, BCCPhone: 203.266.1100 Email: karen@karensands.com Website: www.karensands.com Address: PO Box 43 Roxbury, CT 06783-0043

“Solitude is fine but you need someone to tell that solitude is fine.” ~ Honoré de Balzac

In my June 22, 2015 Ageless Beat blog, “Alone Doesn’t Mean Lonely….” I spoke about how we all may experience loneliness and, though it may seem ironic, sometimes it’s beneficial to spend time alone doing something nurturing to ease that sense.

In addition to finding comfort on your own, another way to overcome loneliness is by spending time with each other. There are many ways to find community and connection, whether you prefer the company of one other or many others. Below are some of the ways I have learned (and helped coaching clients) to diminish any suffering that can accompany the feeling of loneliness.

~ Make time and be fully present to nurture current relationships you feel are worth keeping, and consider letting go of those which are draining or negating. It’s easy to know which are which, just check in with your very real body messengers and trust your gut. Rather than e-mailing/texting, experiment with having more interactions over the phone (or Skype or Facetime with those at a distance) or, better yet, meet in person.

If it wasn’t for today’s technology I’d have no real relationship with my new grandkids living in Arizona. It’s the same even with my two elementary school grandkids here in the east. When they are involved with sports and birthday parties or I am engaged in business and travel, which prevent our biweekly visits, Facetime saves the day.

~ Consider volunteering. Whether you like working with animals or are seeking human interaction, volunteering for an organization (or giving in another way, like cooking a meal for someone in need) can be a great way of being with others while also doing something philanthropic.

~ Become active with an organization or group to meet others while engaging in fulfilling activities, such as: classes in exercise, art, quilting or crocheting, music, history, geography, technology, business, etc.; book groups; environmental, religious, political organizations or a professional group of your peers. MeetUp.com is one online way to find groups. Local newspapers and magazines often list events that may interest you.

~ If you are online, you can check out websites like Boomerly.com, which offer a means to connection for like-minded friends and travel companions, as well as potential romantic partners. Don’t forget your LinkedIn groups and expanding your connections on Facebook and others.

~ Check out retreats with your favorite guru or authors. Join a women’s group or a yoga center.

~ Make an appointment to speak with a ICF certified coach, licensed therapist or clergy.

~ How often do you interact with different generations? This can be a great way to inspire new connections and insights. Create an intergenerational group in your local community center or offer mentoring within your company or professional organization. Go to concerts where younger people abound.

~ Participate in online conversations like this one – offer your comments and suggestions below and let’s make this journey on The Ageless Way even better!!

The world is full of others who are seeking others… The more all of us explore, the better chance we all have of finding each other and reducing loneliness and becoming happier AND healthier.

 How would you describe what loneliness feel like? What techniques do you use to cope with, or overcome your loneliness?

(Image Credit: circle of friends by maveric2003, flickr.com)

With more people living longer, active lives, we are at a historical crossroads in which the demographics of business environments are shifting. It’s time to drop the narrative that persists about Boomers vs. Millennials battling over jobs, being on different planes or coming from opposing perspectives. It’s time to undergo the complex transformations necessary to modify our connections, attitudes, and work environments to create, as in our best relationships, “great chemistry.”

No transformation is inevitable, however. It is up to all of us, together, to shape the changing workplace for a future which will benefit workers of all ages (hence society as a whole), one, as I discuss in my soon-to-be-published book, The Ageless Way, that is focused on the Triple Bottom Line of people, planet, and profits.

I see signs of this trend toward intergenerational cooperation developing, such as in the egalitarian digital future laid out in Dan Abelow’s book Imagine a New Future: Creating Greatness for All. Despite such progress, however, we need to keep moving forward with unity of intent and purpose, since life and society “can change on a dime.”

I believe multigenerational age-friendly trends are worth developing and will result when we all work together based on common interests and visions for the future. A future that has a place for all of us is one with more genuine connections and fewer artificial barriers, such as those based on age, gender, race, and class stereotypes.

For starters, we can:

~ engage in collaborative multigenerational conversations, hands-on discussions about best practices, (mis)perceptions, inclusive decision-making that supports all ages;

~ explore alternative scenarios and solutions together based on the probable and preferred future, not the past;

~ look at intergenerational partnerships, such as job sharing/mentorship arrangements (which enable two people to be employed instead of one, combine training costs and salary, stretch a company’s dollar and quicken the pace at which younger employees can gain the skills, knowledge, and some experience they need to be more valuable to that company and the marketplace);

~ cultivate environments in which diversity and work-life balance are key (Whether we want that balance because we’re starting a family or because we want time to visit our established families, the outcome is logistically the same. Work locations and hours must be increasingly flexible for everyone, without penalty);

~ encourage people over 60 (and in fact those 40+) to remain employed by starting their own businesses – as encore entrepreneurs (These could be less complex solopreneur home offices or larger operations that would not only remove the competition for the same job between two generations, but would also generate employment, services, and products relevant for healthful, fulfilling lives).

The world in which we are living and working longer demands a new business model to serve consumers, our culture, and our workplace environments. By working together, we can solve, or at least ameliorate, multiple societal problems simultaneously through the specific social missions of companies serving multiple generations. No doubt the formation of more startups focusing on the Triple Bottom Line will have a significant positive effect on the job market, offering a way for all generations to make a living and a difference, and to secure their future and that of the world for generations to come.

Again, it’s the chemistry that matters. Together, we are stronger and can share our skills, knowledge, and creativity to discover more than “just” a new molecule. We can discover — we can create — new worlds. Together, we can engage in interactions that generate reactions which change the story around aging so that we model the new Ageless Way across generations.

In what ways is your company, or another business you are familiar with, already mastering the art of intergenerational collaboration? How are you doing this in your own life?

(Image credit: test-tubes-color-fluid.jpg by r.nial.bradshaw, Flickr.com)

Dating…the word itself can conjure, for some, feelings of fear, anxiety, dread and overwhelm. A quote by comedian Jerry Seinfeld states, “Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?” Yet, given our penchant for connection, engaging with others can also incite excitement and hope. Regardless of our age, we may date for a number of different reasons, among them: romance; finding a marriage partner; sex; companionship; friendship.

There’s no disputing that dating after 40 (and through 100+) is very different than at 20 or 30. In our middle and later years, many of us have already had families and/or built careers, have a multitude of life experiences to draw from, greater self-awareness and clarity about the type of companionship we want (and don’t want). Since average life expectancy has increased, we are all in the process of creating a new story for the next phase(s) of our lives, often with an eye toward greater self-fulfillment and simultaneous social consciousness/giving back. With the pace of life in these times, the growing divorce rate and the number of people who are single (whether by choice or circumstance, whether with children or not), dating is a great way to meet others.

If you want to begin to date, but are having difficulty motivating, consider the following words from Mama Gena’s Womanly Arts website (www.mamagenas.com): “While the law of attraction is true, true, true, it is not the whole story. The whole story is that you have to love wherever you are, whatever it looks like, right now, to even begin to attract anything. Additionally, it is really important to demonstrate your willingness to go for your desire by getting up off your butt, and taking deliberate baby steps in the direction of your desires.”

Yet, a major fear of many women (and men) over 40 is that, in our youth-centric culture, we will no longer be attractive enough to others. That false stereotype masks the more complex and nuanced reality of attraction, making it too easy to undermine ourselves and refrain from acting on our dating desires.

In my upcoming book, The Ageless Way, I quote Elisabeth Kübler-Ross when discussing what Ageless Beauty truly is (rather than “youthenizing” those over 40). She asserts, “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” How different an approach we might take to dating when we acknowledge this truth…

Though it seems obvious, we often get lost in trying to “attract” someone (friend or lover) and forget that when we are seeking to relate with those who will truly love us we must actually share who we truly are. As Henry Cloud suggests in How to Get a Date Worth Keeping, “Dating is about finding out who you are and who others are. If you show up in a masquerade outfit, neither is going to happen.”

Learning more about someone through dating is not just for those who are single.

Many married couples and committed partners make it a priority to have “date nights,” considering it vital for their relationship to focus on each other away from life’s distractions. Though that time can be used to simply catch up, it may also help nurture romance. Articles such as the National Association of Baby Boomer Women’s “Day Trips and Hotel Sex” by Dr. Dorree Lynn, Ph.D. (http://nabbw.com/expert-columns/love-sex-and-dating/boomer-women-sexuality/day-trips-hotel-sex) talk about the advantages of such dating. Lynn shares her belief in the benefits of taking a trip together and enjoying time for “unadulterated intimacy.”

There are many ways to meet people, including newspaper ads, matchmakers, friends, events and classes. We live in a society and time of “high tech, low touch,” so it’s vital to meet others and find ways to connect and create community. Ironically, however, it is very often the online world which offers a fast, efficient way to meet others. In addition to well-known general websites for all ages, such as match.com, eharmony.com, and okcupid.com, there are others for nearly every grouping, including ones by hobbies/interests, religion/spirituality, sexual/gender preference or ethnicity. Sites for people specifically seeking to meet other Boomers and those over 40, include: babyboomerdates.com; over40andsingle.com; ourtime.com; vibrantnation.com/family-relationships/7-free-online-dating-sites-for-people-over-50-and-single; and, many more.

For anyone who is resisting dating, who believes in the stereotypes about the scarcity of potential partners for those over 40, I have a brief, but true, story for you.

My husband’s childhood best friend had suffered through more than one mismatched marriage, and a heart attack, and felt that his chance at finding a loving companion was over. However, he ultimately went online, hesitantly stepping into the dating scene again, and met a woman who he feels is the true love of his life. Though they wish they’d met 20 years ago, they are focusing on moving in together, creating a home in a new location. With the wisdom of experience that can only come with many years of living, they look at life as just moments, which they will keep pursuing and creating together.

Are you seeking some kind of courtship or friendship? I am curious to hear about your Ageless Dating experiences…

Where have you met friends or romantic partners since the time you turned 40? What has made your 40+ dates fun or cringe-worthy?

Image Credit: (“Roseate Spoonbill Courtship Dance” by USFWS Headquarters, everystockphoto.com)